Um, no. I enjoyed it so much, I went both mornings. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. My brother did not. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. About Us . He is honest, reliable, and sincere. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. Id love to hang out with her. I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. And totally agreed on the book front. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? Show interest in his interests. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. The thing that really gets me is that my brother, who is not very bookish, isnt doing that well in his classes and only my mother seems to care. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Whats wrong with a daughter that is well-informed by national geographic and knows how to make a fire? 6napkinburger July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. And that is kind of ok out of respect, if he hands me the remote, I put on things hed like, not what i like. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. However, its wife that wrote in. I simply didnt get it.) I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Your husband sounds like a jerk. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). Seriously, this guy is an asshole. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Show interest in his interests. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. Nip . Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm. This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. Heck yeah. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. Her free spirit and spontaneity. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. Addie Pray And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. No. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. . Things like going for ice cream. He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Did we always get along? In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. Which is exactly why she wrote in. Absolutely Dad! You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. I would call that well-rounded. Older and (hopefully) wiser She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. Game of Thrones? Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. sarolabelle I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! There are many things I love about my husband. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. I hated, and still do, all of those things. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. haha. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. "I cant win for losing. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. Meh, I wouldnt call him a total jerk, I can see getting frustrated that not only does your daughter not enjoy the samethings as you, but now all of the sudden your wife doesnt either, just because your daughter doesnt. Is It True? But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. 2. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. Why should your husband treat her that way?? I agree with you, again. So how did she find out about it? Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. Too little time to post! Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. He would watch Full House or something with us. Well-said, courtney. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. Is it forcing or is it parenting? When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. Are you on Tumblr? How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. Make it a game. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. bittergaymark , temperance When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? LW, what kind of music does your husband like? Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). Buffy was popular in what, 1997? Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Totally agree on the respect issue. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. I think this is what the LW needs to communicate to her husband. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. bittergaymark Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. Youre right, though. 2.5K views, 176 likes, 19 loves, 3 comments, 12 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Inframundo Relatos: SPOTIFY:. (Which is fine, I guess. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. EVER. He is clearly not getting the message. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. going to museums? Hilary Duff has always come clean about her parenting journey over the years. . Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. Im dying for new people to follow! 1. Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. Usually sharks.). I was thinking this too. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. Sad. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. From one mom to another. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did.
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